No Pun Intended

I'm not sure what it is.  It's just my nature I suppose.  I like stupid jokes.  I'm a fan of the pun.  And apparently, a lot of people have a problem with that.  Chris demostrates by slapping himself on the forehead.  He's actually become so good at anticipating my cheesy banter, that he usually can finish my jokes.  Somehow, I think that's a little sad.  Perhaps I do have a problem.
But let's talk about something else.  Like the problem I have with people who lack a general intelligence.  Working with public on a daily basis, let me assure you, hands down, that Japan, Korea, China...pretty much any other industrialized country on the face of the Earth...is smarter than us.  They are winning a race that most Americans don't even realize is happening.  Have you seen what's going on with Dow?  It's only a matter of time.  The golden age is over.  So I hope you have your memories.  They might be all we have in 20 or 30 years.

Sorry.  Tangent.  Let's get back to those crazies I see everyday.  I work in retail management for an international chain.  Here's a brief look at stupid things people say:

1.  "This doesn't have a price on it, so it's free, right?"
What makes sense here?  Do stores give away anything?  Ever?  Do you feel that you are so extremely clever that I have yet to hear this?  As a fan of the lame joke, I'm not laughing.
2.  "You're not the manager, there's always another manager."
What makes sense here?  Yes, there is a chain of command.  But sometimes, the little guy really does have it right.
3.  "I know your policies.  I shop here all the time."
What makes sense here?  While frequent customers very well could learn policies from experiencing different circumstances over time.  Let's not forget that as a manager, I have kind of been WORKING here.  And, over 10 years in retail pretty much trumps even the worse shopaholics exposure to my job.
4.  "I will never shop here again."
What makes sense here?  Nothing.  I'll see you tomorrow, ma'am.
5.  "Where's the _______ department?"
        What makes sense here?  Is it that hard to look up and read the giant signs hanging from the ceiling?
6.  "Do you work here?"
        What makes sense here? Well, I'm wearing a name tag.  I appear to have keys and electronic equipment attached to me...OK, you caught me, I'm testing Elaine's plan to have everyone in the city wear name tags.  It will just make things more friendly.  And these gadgets, it's how I track the success of the program, I have to report in every 4 hours.

It's nice to know that, no matter what, you're going to laugh at work every day.  Maybe part of that is due to the amazing people I have the pleasure of spending my days with.  But if somewhere along the way I happen to throw in a terrible pun or extraordinarily lame joke.  Just smile, and be glad I'm not yelling.

Inadequacy

I don't know how to begin to explain it. It's just something deep seeded within my being. I don't value myself. Most people would never believe the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. They see the smile. They see the confidence. They think they know me. But they can't see past the plastic smile and crooked teeth. In actuality, each day of my life is a struggle. A struggle to beat down all the negative thoughts inside of me. A struggle to establish worth. A struggle to find meaning. A struggle to keep that smile. Some days it ends in utter frustration, some in disappointment, some in sadness. There are those brief periods of seeming bliss. And those are cherished. I hate myself for not having more days like that, but it's something beyond my control. It's who I am. I can't dictate the emotions within me. I can fight back, yes, but I can only push so far before they overtake me and I slump back to those melancholy ways. I'm not sure why I feel this way either. I have a good life. I found a man I love, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm content in my career. I want for nothing. Yet, I still have these dreadful feelings that my existence is meaningless, serving no purpose.  It's in those moments that tomorrow feels like an impossibility. 

I know what you might be thinking.  "What a pity party!". And my response, yeah, a little bit. But let me assure you, sharing this is not something easily done. Cyber-hugs, while not nearly as warm, are equally as comforting. So, yes, you caught me. I want a little attention, something to make me smile. 

More than a grin...

Life sure is funny.  It just makes me smile, not from ear to ear like a disoriented putz, but that sly sort of reaffirming grin that you know brings a tinge of red to your cheeks.  The type of smile that lifts just one corner of your mouth, you know, while keeping those pearly whites hidden.  It usually comes with a sense that, "Yep, that's right," or "Damn, you caught me,"  and for a brief moment your smile lets your true emotion escape or in the very least, displays your concession.

That's the type of smile I find creeping across my face an awful lot lately.  And I'm glad.  If you had asked me that 5 years ago, there would have been a gravely different response.  Hell, if you asked me that 1 year ago you would have received a bitter retort.  Why, you might ask?  Because, as the entire free world knows, and apparently has known for quite sometime, perhaps even since my birth into this world, I'm gay.

Maybe it's just the sense of relief from 25 years of hiding who I am, but I can't help but don that goofy smirk. I'll bump into an old friend, or catch someone on the phone that I haven't talked to in a while and we will chat back and forth.  Topics ebb and flow and always trickle over to my freshly announced sexuality.  "I've known for years."  "I've just always known."  Those are the most common remarks.  Cue the smile.

It's safe to say that no matter who you really are, no matter what you believe, no matter what you profess, at the end of the day, it doesn't take a proclamation to make it known.  Those that surround you, the ones closest to you, and most times people that interact with you frequently or simply on occasion will already know who you are.  But, if only for the sake of feeling that satisfying smile creep across your face, best announce who you are and what you believe.  Trust me, I am still smiling, aren't I?



(Sidenote:  I promise that this blog will deal with more than my coming out -- every time I say that I still remember the Levi's commercial for low rise jeans with the singing belly button -- all in due time.)

The Beginning

Did you ever pause to really think about who you are?  I'd venture that most of us don't.  I think we tend to go about our lives and not consider where we stand on issues or even waste time forming opinions in some regards. I'm sure it's partly to blame for low voter turnout in America.  It's not that we don't care.  If you sit and listen to the way people complain, the things they want from the government, what should and shouldn't be illegal...it is so starkly clear that we care.  We all care.  In fact, there are extremists who care too much. (see Westboro Baptist Church)  But let's strip it back to who we are.  Who you are.  Who are you?

It's a question I've asked myself a seemingly endless number of times.  And, not surprisingly, I've gotten different answers.  Part of that is due to current influences, emotions, career, support systems, education, etc.  We are not a finite point of imperfection.  We change.  We fail.  We learn.  We grow.  And as the years pass we become different people then we once were, some for better, some for worse.  I'd like to think that I'm still on that path of betterment and not degradation.  Time will tell.

In the process of habitually asking myself who I am, I've come to discover a few things about myself.  Some were epiphanies, some were trite.  But here's the long and short of how it panned out:

I'm a gay man living in America in what is clearly NOT our golden age.
I'm a son, a brother, an uncle and yet somehow feel as though I'm a family of one.  (More on that in future posts...)
I'm a hard worker, ambitious and driven toward the goals I've established.
I'm a lover, wholly devoted to the man I've chosen to spend this crazy messed up life with.
I'm neither Republican nor Democrat but some sort of composite of the two. (Yes, attempt to sway my important vote).
I'm a writer, who can do more with the written word than most care to enjoy or bother to recognize.
And my mission is to embrace that natural writer and tell the stories, share the ideas that are bottled up in this head of mine.  Through the journey, if you choose to share it with me, I hope to bring the world to you, the world through my eyes.  I'll try to make you think, smile, laugh, cry, and grow.  There's no plan.  There's nothing off limits.  We'll just see where this road leads...afterall, Today's Another Gay.