It's after midnight, now early on Tuesday morning. My mind won't rest. My heart just aches. Somehow, I've managed to not shed a single tear. Still, I've felt them well from within several times. I feel as though they could begin at any moment. I'm afraid they may not stop.
Sunday, it happened yet again. This time, worse than any other. The worse mass shooting in American history. We just lived through it. There are 49 people that can't say that. We cannot allow those lives to not have a purpose. This needs to be a turning point. We have allowed the continued mass shootings to happen for far too long. We need to come together and say enough is enough. This was a crime of hate. The first large scale attack on the LGBT community since I have been out. And, for the first time since coming out, I am scared. Walking from the White House to the Metro last evening, I heard loud screaming coming from half a block away and I felt my heart race for a few moments because I thought it might be directed at the four young gay men walking up the street. I am anxious. I'm not big in the club scene, but I do go out for drinks, I like to dance, and many of my friends do. I am unable to look away. I can't stop reading articles about the victims, the survivors, the responses. I am grieving. The gay community is far from perfect. To those on the outside, you can never fully understand. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender-we are a family. We look out for one another. We care for one another. An event like Orlando challenges our safety in the safest and most cherished environments. For the vast majority of the LGBT community, the gay bar is the first place you let down your guard and truly begin to express yourself as a gay person. It's where you go to be with other people that understand you, don't question you. The gay bar is where you meet people and realize you are normal, there's nothing wrong with you. It's where you accept yourself. For an attack to happen there, it is as if someone has attacked the core of who you are, from within. That is why shockwaves are being echoed by gays across the country and around the world. We are saddened for the loss of 50 of our own and our resolve is weakened because we know it could have been any of us.
"Everyone is someone's everything" I can't get passed this today. Reading the stories of the lives lost and those that made it out. The ripple effect of lives this tragedy touches is unfathomable to me. I've felt helpless. I want to make a difference. I want to stand up, live loud, live proud and say FUCK YOU, to those that stand in my way. Rather, I've decided I will be the bigger person. I will not allow this attack or those that spew hate with their mouths to change me. I will show love. Love always conquers hate. Love has already won across this nation. And it will win again.
I still have much to process but I know what I want to do to take action. And I'm hoping that you will help me. My goal is to start an initiative that focuses on spreading love, kindness, compassion and service by organizing the LGBT community and its allies through volunteerism. I think there's no better name than LOVE-Love Others, Volunteer Everywhere. Together, we can show our neighbors, our communities, and our world that we are bigger than hate. We are committed to making our world a better place.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Control
Over the past few years, life has seemingly spun out of control. Not the out of control you may be thinking of. I'm not strung out in the bathroom at the club high on drugs and $10 drinks. I'm not a loose canon making poor life choices and regretting my decisions. Nothing as sexy as fucking a bassist for a third rate rock band after their show in a dive bar late on a Wednesday and then heading to work early the next morning. No, nothing like that. My life has spun out of control in the way that I no longer seem to have a grasp of my time, my energy, or my thoughts.
Let me take a deep breath and help you understand what I mean. If I let my mind drift back to the Winter of 2009 - my breaking point. I had just moved beyond my first failed relationship. I was still in the closet and had been dating a girl for two years. It ended abruptly and it left me devastated, not because we would have had a real future together or because I truly felt that I belonged with her, but instead because it left me very vulnerable. And more so, it meant that I would potentially be exposed for what I inevitably am - gay. The tumultuous and uncomfortable fall of 2008, led to that eventual breaking point in the Winter of 2009. I remember it distinctly. I was bored at work, desperate for the affection of someone who wanted me, and overall feeling very stuck to be 23 and still living with my parents in the house where I grew up in no where Pennsylvania. There was one particular night, I was home alone. I paced the house shouting aloud how unhappy I was with my life. I felt unsuccessful in every possible way. I wanted more out of life. I wanted someone to love and someone to love me. I wanted to be challenged at work. I wanted to move on. I wanted change.
It was during that colorful discussion with myself that I came to a very clear realization. None of what was making me unhappy was out of my control. Happiness is something you define for yourself. Happiness is something you make for yourself. So I chose to suck it up and make my own destiny. Not all my of my decisions in the immediate future were the right ones, but every decision since has led me to something to bigger and better. My first choices were to stop sitting still. I had done it for most of my life. I had prepared myself for a life in York County. I had fenced myself in -- I tossed out that notion. I planned a trip to New England, alone. I refused to let others determine my future. Next, I decided to go back to school.
That fall, when I again set foot on campus at York College, it felt nothing like it had in 2007 when I graduated. This time I actually felt like I was here for a purpose. This time I felt like I belonged here. I wasn't a kid afraid to make connections and expose who I was to my classmates. I was there to learn, to grow, to succeed. In one year on campus as a non-traditional student I built relationships with students and professors then I had in my 4 years of undergrad. But there was also a vast amount of self-discovery in that year that I had missed during my prior time there. I found a passion which I still believe to be one of my callings in life. I fell in love with the written word. I read. I wrote. Still, I am most content when lost in the story of an enthralling book. And when I'm writing, my stress disappears. Stories poor out of me and simply put, I feel fulfilled.
Over time, a lot has happened in my life. I've taken a walk down many new roads and the journey has never been dull. But during that time, I've lost control. I haven't been true to myself and I haven't taken time for my health my mental health. I stopped running. I stopped sitting still alone with my thoughts. Worse, I stopped writing.
2009 was a landmark year for me because I took the time to find out who I was, what I wanted and I made the choice to make a change. 2016 will again be a landmark year, because I will not let my life take control of me. I'm recommitting myself to fulfills me. I will run (and I will complete the commitment I made in 2011 to run the Cowtown Marathon). I will write. I will listen. And along the way, there is sure to be even more to discover.
Let me take a deep breath and help you understand what I mean. If I let my mind drift back to the Winter of 2009 - my breaking point. I had just moved beyond my first failed relationship. I was still in the closet and had been dating a girl for two years. It ended abruptly and it left me devastated, not because we would have had a real future together or because I truly felt that I belonged with her, but instead because it left me very vulnerable. And more so, it meant that I would potentially be exposed for what I inevitably am - gay. The tumultuous and uncomfortable fall of 2008, led to that eventual breaking point in the Winter of 2009. I remember it distinctly. I was bored at work, desperate for the affection of someone who wanted me, and overall feeling very stuck to be 23 and still living with my parents in the house where I grew up in no where Pennsylvania. There was one particular night, I was home alone. I paced the house shouting aloud how unhappy I was with my life. I felt unsuccessful in every possible way. I wanted more out of life. I wanted someone to love and someone to love me. I wanted to be challenged at work. I wanted to move on. I wanted change.
It was during that colorful discussion with myself that I came to a very clear realization. None of what was making me unhappy was out of my control. Happiness is something you define for yourself. Happiness is something you make for yourself. So I chose to suck it up and make my own destiny. Not all my of my decisions in the immediate future were the right ones, but every decision since has led me to something to bigger and better. My first choices were to stop sitting still. I had done it for most of my life. I had prepared myself for a life in York County. I had fenced myself in -- I tossed out that notion. I planned a trip to New England, alone. I refused to let others determine my future. Next, I decided to go back to school.
That fall, when I again set foot on campus at York College, it felt nothing like it had in 2007 when I graduated. This time I actually felt like I was here for a purpose. This time I felt like I belonged here. I wasn't a kid afraid to make connections and expose who I was to my classmates. I was there to learn, to grow, to succeed. In one year on campus as a non-traditional student I built relationships with students and professors then I had in my 4 years of undergrad. But there was also a vast amount of self-discovery in that year that I had missed during my prior time there. I found a passion which I still believe to be one of my callings in life. I fell in love with the written word. I read. I wrote. Still, I am most content when lost in the story of an enthralling book. And when I'm writing, my stress disappears. Stories poor out of me and simply put, I feel fulfilled.
Over time, a lot has happened in my life. I've taken a walk down many new roads and the journey has never been dull. But during that time, I've lost control. I haven't been true to myself and I haven't taken time for my health my mental health. I stopped running. I stopped sitting still alone with my thoughts. Worse, I stopped writing.
2009 was a landmark year for me because I took the time to find out who I was, what I wanted and I made the choice to make a change. 2016 will again be a landmark year, because I will not let my life take control of me. I'm recommitting myself to fulfills me. I will run (and I will complete the commitment I made in 2011 to run the Cowtown Marathon). I will write. I will listen. And along the way, there is sure to be even more to discover.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
The search for clarity requires brevity
Warning: controversial content.
I grew up in a Christian home, not a we-went-to-church-every-Sunday Christian home, but an Evangelical Christian home. We went to church and Sunday School every week. My grandfather passed out tracts and proselytized at the County Fair each year. My brothers and I went to private Christian school for 13 years, kindergarten through twelfth grade. My aunt taught there. I set up all this background because you need to understand how divergent my views are today from the way I was brought up, from those that surrounded me.
We come from a society where we are constantly told to consider the source to attribute reliability. We carefully assess information that we encounter every day. Should we not also consider the content in addition to the source? Think objectively through what you read. Keeping this in mind...
Why is it OK to constantly defend horrific things that took place in Biblical times because "we don't understand what it was like then" or "times were very different" or even "that was the culture". Why? Why would a loving God EVER be accepting of one man owning another. Or for a man having multiple wives and countless concubines. Or for soldiers taking women as spoils of war.
There are so many things that we are supposed to accept simply because it's in the Bible. After all, inspired or not, the Bible was written by man, many men in fact. Isn't there a potential for a wide margin of error there? Men are self-involved and self-serving. Is it such a stretch to think that somewhere along the line a man, an imperfectly flawed man, wrote something other than what God intended.
I think it's time to realize that it's naive to believe everything you read, regardless of the source. Sit back and mull over what you believe. I think you'll be surprised what you allow yourself to acknowledge.
Remember, God doesn't hate anyone. He IS love.
I grew up in a Christian home, not a we-went-to-church-every-Sunday Christian home, but an Evangelical Christian home. We went to church and Sunday School every week. My grandfather passed out tracts and proselytized at the County Fair each year. My brothers and I went to private Christian school for 13 years, kindergarten through twelfth grade. My aunt taught there. I set up all this background because you need to understand how divergent my views are today from the way I was brought up, from those that surrounded me.
We come from a society where we are constantly told to consider the source to attribute reliability. We carefully assess information that we encounter every day. Should we not also consider the content in addition to the source? Think objectively through what you read. Keeping this in mind...
Why is it OK to constantly defend horrific things that took place in Biblical times because "we don't understand what it was like then" or "times were very different" or even "that was the culture". Why? Why would a loving God EVER be accepting of one man owning another. Or for a man having multiple wives and countless concubines. Or for soldiers taking women as spoils of war.
There are so many things that we are supposed to accept simply because it's in the Bible. After all, inspired or not, the Bible was written by man, many men in fact. Isn't there a potential for a wide margin of error there? Men are self-involved and self-serving. Is it such a stretch to think that somewhere along the line a man, an imperfectly flawed man, wrote something other than what God intended.
I think it's time to realize that it's naive to believe everything you read, regardless of the source. Sit back and mull over what you believe. I think you'll be surprised what you allow yourself to acknowledge.
Remember, God doesn't hate anyone. He IS love.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Good Day 2013: Year In Review
If ever there was a time to emphasize how little we know about our future, it is now. We have just 1 day remaining in 2013. There are 364 days of 2013 at our backs. And as I look back, something I try to refrain from doing too often, I see a mass of incredibly momentous occasions, noteworthy accomplishments, wonderful relationships, and an exorbitant amount of smiles. As the hands of time continue to spin round the clock in these final hours of 2013, I can say with resounding affirmation that I had a grand year.
When the sun rose on January 1st, I was in a much different place: dank and squalid. I was miserable. Without, I had an exceedingly difficult 2012 and I was tentative about what a new year would bring. I hadn't been in a place that dark in my life. Waking up to a new year offered a fresh chance for something new, a year in which I finally let go of so much that had held me back in the past. I vividly remember sitting on my couch watching movies on New Years Day, ordering Pizza Hut and making the choice to have a better year ahead. For too long, I had allowed the world to come at me with so much, and I had responded with so little. I had let the world get me down. I had let the world beat me. Because I chose to do nothing. But January 1, 2013 was a fresh and nubile, pliable to my desires. So I consciously chose to see the best in every moment, every person, and every day of the year. I was not going to let outside influences affect my happiness. It was decided: I choose to be happy.
The first few days it took constant reminding. I would pause and tell myself, "Does this really matter?" or "Is it worth ruining my day?" or even "Why should _______ get to control my emotions". And each time the answer came from within. Each time I rose above. Each time I chose to keep smiling. Life will always never be what we expect. It will never make us consistently happy, but we can choose that for ourselves.
Time marched onward. The days got easier and easier in which to see the good. They piled up in fact. Now I sit here thinking back on the days since that important decision and I count 364 good days this year. That's right. 364. The immense feeling of accomplishment and well-being I find in that statement astounds me. I will be OK in this life. I can handle what this world has to throw at me. I will overcome. I will face any challenge with a gusto all my own. Then, when the day fades, and I crawl into bed, I will smile and know that it has been yet another good day.
But that wasn't all that happened this year...
Just 5 fateful days into the year, I first met someone who has proved to forever change me life. Andy Fisher danced up on me at a late holiday party and so it began. Looking back, it seemed to snowball rather rapidly, but we both approached our time together with hesitation due to prior heartbreaks. But the feeling was nearly instantaneous. After that first lunch date, I could barely wait to see him again. In 7 days, we saw each other 5 times. Emotionally we were both guarded but we both felt it. A few weeks later we became official, exclusive. A month beyond that, I couldn't contain my excitement any longer and I proposed. We've experienced many great things in our year together. We visited amazing destinations and even more amazing people. I couldn't imagine a life without him. And I can't wait to see the New Year has in store for us. In mere days, we'll be married and in a few weeks we'll be off to Panama on our honeymoon. Much more greatness awaits.
Psychological, spiritual, and relational change...career change continued as well. This year offered challenges and successes in my career. I moved to a much higher volume store: from Towson Town Center to The Mall in Columbia, as a Visual Manager with American Eagle Outfitters. During my time in Columbia I met some amazing people that I am happy to have as personal friends. Additionally, I learned much about myself and my abilities as a leader. Only a few weeks after transferring, my Store Manager went out on leave. Over the next 4 weeks, I successfully ran the store. I picked up lots of knowledge during that time. That period proved invaluable as I was able to step up to take the reigns of my own store at Marley Station beginning in September. For those of you that have known me for a long time, you know that I've put in countless hours and pushed myself on innumerable occasions to reach this point. My status announcing my promotion was my most liked status of the entire year. That support and love was much appreciated throughout my entire career. There have been a great number of individuals who have molded me to the leader I am today. I am eternally grateful for having worked alongside each and every one of you. Sincere thanks to some of my biggest influencers: Pattie Miller, Cindy Tinley, Cindy Martin, Vivian Illiano, and Sandy McCluskey. You ladies helped get me here. Thank you!
I know many of you have glazed over by this point...So I will begin to tie this up with a neat literary bow. This was a year of change. A year of triumph and success, because I worked hard. A year of love, because I am lucky that an otter swam my way. A year of happiness, because I made a choice.
2014 lies ahead. I'll embrace it, one Good Day at a time.
When the sun rose on January 1st, I was in a much different place: dank and squalid. I was miserable. Without, I had an exceedingly difficult 2012 and I was tentative about what a new year would bring. I hadn't been in a place that dark in my life. Waking up to a new year offered a fresh chance for something new, a year in which I finally let go of so much that had held me back in the past. I vividly remember sitting on my couch watching movies on New Years Day, ordering Pizza Hut and making the choice to have a better year ahead. For too long, I had allowed the world to come at me with so much, and I had responded with so little. I had let the world get me down. I had let the world beat me. Because I chose to do nothing. But January 1, 2013 was a fresh and nubile, pliable to my desires. So I consciously chose to see the best in every moment, every person, and every day of the year. I was not going to let outside influences affect my happiness. It was decided: I choose to be happy.
The first few days it took constant reminding. I would pause and tell myself, "Does this really matter?" or "Is it worth ruining my day?" or even "Why should _______ get to control my emotions". And each time the answer came from within. Each time I rose above. Each time I chose to keep smiling. Life will always never be what we expect. It will never make us consistently happy, but we can choose that for ourselves.
Time marched onward. The days got easier and easier in which to see the good. They piled up in fact. Now I sit here thinking back on the days since that important decision and I count 364 good days this year. That's right. 364. The immense feeling of accomplishment and well-being I find in that statement astounds me. I will be OK in this life. I can handle what this world has to throw at me. I will overcome. I will face any challenge with a gusto all my own. Then, when the day fades, and I crawl into bed, I will smile and know that it has been yet another good day.
But that wasn't all that happened this year...
Just 5 fateful days into the year, I first met someone who has proved to forever change me life. Andy Fisher danced up on me at a late holiday party and so it began. Looking back, it seemed to snowball rather rapidly, but we both approached our time together with hesitation due to prior heartbreaks. But the feeling was nearly instantaneous. After that first lunch date, I could barely wait to see him again. In 7 days, we saw each other 5 times. Emotionally we were both guarded but we both felt it. A few weeks later we became official, exclusive. A month beyond that, I couldn't contain my excitement any longer and I proposed. We've experienced many great things in our year together. We visited amazing destinations and even more amazing people. I couldn't imagine a life without him. And I can't wait to see the New Year has in store for us. In mere days, we'll be married and in a few weeks we'll be off to Panama on our honeymoon. Much more greatness awaits.
Psychological, spiritual, and relational change...career change continued as well. This year offered challenges and successes in my career. I moved to a much higher volume store: from Towson Town Center to The Mall in Columbia, as a Visual Manager with American Eagle Outfitters. During my time in Columbia I met some amazing people that I am happy to have as personal friends. Additionally, I learned much about myself and my abilities as a leader. Only a few weeks after transferring, my Store Manager went out on leave. Over the next 4 weeks, I successfully ran the store. I picked up lots of knowledge during that time. That period proved invaluable as I was able to step up to take the reigns of my own store at Marley Station beginning in September. For those of you that have known me for a long time, you know that I've put in countless hours and pushed myself on innumerable occasions to reach this point. My status announcing my promotion was my most liked status of the entire year. That support and love was much appreciated throughout my entire career. There have been a great number of individuals who have molded me to the leader I am today. I am eternally grateful for having worked alongside each and every one of you. Sincere thanks to some of my biggest influencers: Pattie Miller, Cindy Tinley, Cindy Martin, Vivian Illiano, and Sandy McCluskey. You ladies helped get me here. Thank you!
I know many of you have glazed over by this point...So I will begin to tie this up with a neat literary bow. This was a year of change. A year of triumph and success, because I worked hard. A year of love, because I am lucky that an otter swam my way. A year of happiness, because I made a choice.
2014 lies ahead. I'll embrace it, one Good Day at a time.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A Chapter Closed, A Chapter Begun: 2012 In Review
It's 3:00 a.m. and a New Year is only hours away. I sit in my bed, once again avoiding sleep. It's been the trend of late. Never sleeping and always tired. Not the best way to live, but still, the trend.
After all these months apart, I've returned to you, because it's time to share and reflect on a storied 2012 and speculate for a better 2013.
For me, I'm in much the same place at the close of 2012 as I was at the year's open. And not for lack of growth or change, more so, for me I've come full circle. I began the year with a break up and so that is how the year also ended. The months in between were filled with much love and joy. But even now, as I've reached the point in the circle where I'm dangerously close to repeating the cycle, I sense that still I am different, better than 12 months ago. Perhaps, I'm not following the path of a circle, but that of a cone, or a cylinder, moving in the same general pattern but away from or toward a new destination.
To each of you who truly know and understand me (and there are fewer of you then most probably understand), you already know that I find happiness in the company of others. My friends are my family. I place an extreme, and albeit seemingly unhealthy emphasis on my relationships with my friends. For me it can often lead to stress, but for each of you it means you are completely and wholly loved by me, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time with you.
Friendship is an amazing gift, because of its nature. It's a choice. We can choose our friends. We can choose who surrounds us. We can choose with whom we spend time. Friends are the family we get to pick...and so for that they are more valuable to me. As this year comes to an end, I wanted to personally thank each and every one of you for returning the favor, and allowing me to be a part of your lives. I view it as a huge honor to be a part of your 'family'. You help define who I am and you bring a smile to my face every day.
Let's leave the warm and fuzzy behind for a moment and talk about something more difficult. Most of you know about the situation with my family. In late 2010, I came out. As a result, the majority of my family has been 'disinterested' in my life. I have virtually no contact with them. But please, don't take this note of acknowledgement as a somber tone. I came to terms with this notion long before I came out as I knew this would be the response. What has made things slightly awkward is the very recent announcement that there is a very real possibility of losing an immensely important member of my family in 2013. What's worse, is how I feel (or don't feel) about the situation. I'm chalking it up to the idea that I haven't fully realized the magnitude of the announcement.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. During 2012 I was able to make several wonderful trips that were unplanned but nonetheless extremely enjoyable. Phoenix, The Grand Canyon, Salt Lake City, Fort Worth, and less distant, Rehoboth Beach, Richmond, and Virginia Beach. And in each locale, important memories were made.
So we've talked about friends, family and some of the places I've been. What else is there? I'm not going to bore you with stories of my job or my change of positions in the past year. But I will remind you of how much I enjoy being a part of the AEO team.
Personally, as my Facebook address professes, I am not who I was yesterday. All that I have experienced over the past 365 days has continued to mold me, shape me, and yes change me. Change is good. My pride for who I am continues to grow each day. My strength of character continues to be tested. My love of life has been briefly challenged. But my passion for people, for friends, for you has only been intensified. I continue to strive to love myself as much as I love others. Self-image and self-respect has long been a struggle, rooted in my days of middle school. There are those moments, those catalysts, that can send me spiraling into an endless whirlwind. But it's because of a rare certain few individuals that I am pulled out of that cycle. For that I'm extremely grateful. (You know who you are!) I'd like to think that each of you are seeing a better version of myself today then you did on January 1, 2012.
2013 (I'm hoping the 13 isn't a bad omen)...
So where do I go from here? What does this new year hold in store? First, I can only hope much more time with each of you. I'll say it one more time: you are the most important part of my life. You keep me going. Also, I'd like to spend more time devoted to writing, which despite my neglect, I desperately miss. And this journey of growth, where I seemed to have stumbled over the past few weeks, I hope to renew and continue. I want to be the best me that I can be (I don't think that could sound more trite and cheesy). I want to make an impact in people's lives, to love and be loved. And most importantly, to look back only with cause to learn and never to regret. I won't speculate on where the next 365 days may lead me. We all know that our path is unknown and ever-changing. None of us would have expected this year to lead us here, and yet here we are. So grab a glass, raise it high and let's ring in this year with a celebration of who we are and who we will become.
"You can't have a better tomorrow if only you think of yesterday."
Tops of 2012
Experience: Enjoying my job...AEO
Runner Up-Seeing my cousins after tooooo long
Trip: The Grand Canyon/Phoenix (I'm still in awe)
Runner Up-Rehoboth (it's the little things sometimes, and finally having confidence to wear my Speedo)
Dinner: September cookout with Nick, Julian, Mike, Josh, Michael, and Jon
Runner Up-Stoney River with Sam
New Food: Calamari (technically this was 2011 I think, but I'm hooked now)
Night Out: I don't remember when it was...but thanks for the ride Dennis
Runner Up-Jacey's housewarming and meeting Cherisarolaids!
Party: End of Summer Bash (hope you made it!)
Runner Up-Hurricane Sandy Party
Drink: Vodka Gummi and Diet Dr. Pepper
Runner Up- Vodka and OJ
New Drink: Sprite and Loopy Vodka
Runner Up-Honey Whiskey
Movie: The Hunger Games & Skyfall
Runner Up-Lawless
New Artist: Neon Trees & fun.
Runner Up-Carly Rae Jepson
Friend: Jenn & Theresa
New Friends: J, Dennis/DGD, Spencer, Shipman (this is a short list because there were a LOT of amazing new friends in 2012)
Sex: Do you really think I'd tell you?
After all these months apart, I've returned to you, because it's time to share and reflect on a storied 2012 and speculate for a better 2013.
For me, I'm in much the same place at the close of 2012 as I was at the year's open. And not for lack of growth or change, more so, for me I've come full circle. I began the year with a break up and so that is how the year also ended. The months in between were filled with much love and joy. But even now, as I've reached the point in the circle where I'm dangerously close to repeating the cycle, I sense that still I am different, better than 12 months ago. Perhaps, I'm not following the path of a circle, but that of a cone, or a cylinder, moving in the same general pattern but away from or toward a new destination.
To each of you who truly know and understand me (and there are fewer of you then most probably understand), you already know that I find happiness in the company of others. My friends are my family. I place an extreme, and albeit seemingly unhealthy emphasis on my relationships with my friends. For me it can often lead to stress, but for each of you it means you are completely and wholly loved by me, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time with you.
Friendship is an amazing gift, because of its nature. It's a choice. We can choose our friends. We can choose who surrounds us. We can choose with whom we spend time. Friends are the family we get to pick...and so for that they are more valuable to me. As this year comes to an end, I wanted to personally thank each and every one of you for returning the favor, and allowing me to be a part of your lives. I view it as a huge honor to be a part of your 'family'. You help define who I am and you bring a smile to my face every day.
Let's leave the warm and fuzzy behind for a moment and talk about something more difficult. Most of you know about the situation with my family. In late 2010, I came out. As a result, the majority of my family has been 'disinterested' in my life. I have virtually no contact with them. But please, don't take this note of acknowledgement as a somber tone. I came to terms with this notion long before I came out as I knew this would be the response. What has made things slightly awkward is the very recent announcement that there is a very real possibility of losing an immensely important member of my family in 2013. What's worse, is how I feel (or don't feel) about the situation. I'm chalking it up to the idea that I haven't fully realized the magnitude of the announcement.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. During 2012 I was able to make several wonderful trips that were unplanned but nonetheless extremely enjoyable. Phoenix, The Grand Canyon, Salt Lake City, Fort Worth, and less distant, Rehoboth Beach, Richmond, and Virginia Beach. And in each locale, important memories were made.
So we've talked about friends, family and some of the places I've been. What else is there? I'm not going to bore you with stories of my job or my change of positions in the past year. But I will remind you of how much I enjoy being a part of the AEO team.
Personally, as my Facebook address professes, I am not who I was yesterday. All that I have experienced over the past 365 days has continued to mold me, shape me, and yes change me. Change is good. My pride for who I am continues to grow each day. My strength of character continues to be tested. My love of life has been briefly challenged. But my passion for people, for friends, for you has only been intensified. I continue to strive to love myself as much as I love others. Self-image and self-respect has long been a struggle, rooted in my days of middle school. There are those moments, those catalysts, that can send me spiraling into an endless whirlwind. But it's because of a rare certain few individuals that I am pulled out of that cycle. For that I'm extremely grateful. (You know who you are!) I'd like to think that each of you are seeing a better version of myself today then you did on January 1, 2012.
2013 (I'm hoping the 13 isn't a bad omen)...
So where do I go from here? What does this new year hold in store? First, I can only hope much more time with each of you. I'll say it one more time: you are the most important part of my life. You keep me going. Also, I'd like to spend more time devoted to writing, which despite my neglect, I desperately miss. And this journey of growth, where I seemed to have stumbled over the past few weeks, I hope to renew and continue. I want to be the best me that I can be (I don't think that could sound more trite and cheesy). I want to make an impact in people's lives, to love and be loved. And most importantly, to look back only with cause to learn and never to regret. I won't speculate on where the next 365 days may lead me. We all know that our path is unknown and ever-changing. None of us would have expected this year to lead us here, and yet here we are. So grab a glass, raise it high and let's ring in this year with a celebration of who we are and who we will become.
"You can't have a better tomorrow if only you think of yesterday."
Tops of 2012
Experience: Enjoying my job...AEO
Runner Up-Seeing my cousins after tooooo long
Trip: The Grand Canyon/Phoenix (I'm still in awe)
Runner Up-Rehoboth (it's the little things sometimes, and finally having confidence to wear my Speedo)
Dinner: September cookout with Nick, Julian, Mike, Josh, Michael, and Jon
Runner Up-Stoney River with Sam
New Food: Calamari (technically this was 2011 I think, but I'm hooked now)
Night Out: I don't remember when it was...but thanks for the ride Dennis
Runner Up-Jacey's housewarming and meeting Cherisarolaids!
Party: End of Summer Bash (hope you made it!)
Runner Up-Hurricane Sandy Party
Drink: Vodka Gummi and Diet Dr. Pepper
Runner Up- Vodka and OJ
New Drink: Sprite and Loopy Vodka
Runner Up-Honey Whiskey
Movie: The Hunger Games & Skyfall
Runner Up-Lawless
New Artist: Neon Trees & fun.
Runner Up-Carly Rae Jepson
Friend: Jenn & Theresa
New Friends: J, Dennis/DGD, Spencer, Shipman (this is a short list because there were a LOT of amazing new friends in 2012)
Sex: Do you really think I'd tell you?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Rabbit Holes and Chicken Sandwiches
It's been a long search. But no need to worry. I found my pen and I'm back to writing! Along the way I also seem to have found my voice. Not that I was lacking one before, but I suppose it's more of my continual growth. For my close friends, you know this all too well, as it is often difficult to get me to shut up.
It's August 1st. And I'm sure many of you are standing strong in opposition of ChickfilA appreciation day. Some of you are probably supporting them, and the rest of you are probably living in disinterest and are about to click that little red X in the upper right corner. But before you do that...have no fear. I'm not about to rant on and on about the Bible, Dan Cathy, ChickfilA, my civil rights, or anything of that matter. I simply want you all to take this moment to take a step back and think about the companies you patron. Seriously, take a big step back. Think about how every dollar you spend disappears down some rabbit hole.
Where do those holes lead?
I guarantee you that Alice isn't in Wonderland on a spending spree with your cash.
Every company that gets your money has a special interest. It's naive to think otherwise. It may surprise you, but Dan Cathy's views on gay marriage don't bother me. It wasn't even his donations to radicals that bothered me. Think about all the products that you own that were made by child labor in foreign countries. If you took a stand against every single one of them you would be broke (and most likely naked)!! The problem began, for me, when the company started lying to the public. We've all seen the pictures of the sign recalling the finger puppets. Most of us know the truth behind it too.
What I urge you to do is take a few dollars of that hard earned cash and put it down a rabbit hole that actually leads somewhere. And if the ChickfilA fiasco has inspired you, then I would love to see you donate to one of these very worthy causes:
Human Rights Campaign
Marylanders for Marriage Equality
StandUp Against Bullying
FCKH8
Wipeout Homophobia
Now let's stop fighting over the damn chicken and get back to cheering our Olympians to victory!
It's August 1st. And I'm sure many of you are standing strong in opposition of ChickfilA appreciation day. Some of you are probably supporting them, and the rest of you are probably living in disinterest and are about to click that little red X in the upper right corner. But before you do that...have no fear. I'm not about to rant on and on about the Bible, Dan Cathy, ChickfilA, my civil rights, or anything of that matter. I simply want you all to take this moment to take a step back and think about the companies you patron. Seriously, take a big step back. Think about how every dollar you spend disappears down some rabbit hole.
Where do those holes lead?
I guarantee you that Alice isn't in Wonderland on a spending spree with your cash.
Every company that gets your money has a special interest. It's naive to think otherwise. It may surprise you, but Dan Cathy's views on gay marriage don't bother me. It wasn't even his donations to radicals that bothered me. Think about all the products that you own that were made by child labor in foreign countries. If you took a stand against every single one of them you would be broke (and most likely naked)!! The problem began, for me, when the company started lying to the public. We've all seen the pictures of the sign recalling the finger puppets. Most of us know the truth behind it too.
What I urge you to do is take a few dollars of that hard earned cash and put it down a rabbit hole that actually leads somewhere. And if the ChickfilA fiasco has inspired you, then I would love to see you donate to one of these very worthy causes:
Human Rights Campaign
Marylanders for Marriage Equality
StandUp Against Bullying
FCKH8
Wipeout Homophobia
Now let's stop fighting over the damn chicken and get back to cheering our Olympians to victory!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
No Pun Intended
I'm not sure what it is. It's just my nature I suppose. I like stupid jokes. I'm a fan of the pun. And apparently, a lot of people have a problem with that. Chris demostrates by slapping himself on the forehead. He's actually become so good at anticipating my cheesy banter, that he usually can finish my jokes. Somehow, I think that's a little sad. Perhaps I do have a problem.
But let's talk about something else. Like the problem I have with people who lack a general intelligence. Working with public on a daily basis, let me assure you, hands down, that Japan, Korea, China...pretty much any other industrialized country on the face of the Earth...is smarter than us. They are winning a race that most Americans don't even realize is happening. Have you seen what's going on with Dow? It's only a matter of time. The golden age is over. So I hope you have your memories. They might be all we have in 20 or 30 years.
Sorry. Tangent. Let's get back to those crazies I see everyday. I work in retail management for an international chain. Here's a brief look at stupid things people say:
1. "This doesn't have a price on it, so it's free, right?"
What makes sense here? Do stores give away anything? Ever? Do you feel that you are so extremely clever that I have yet to hear this? As a fan of the lame joke, I'm not laughing.
2. "You're not the manager, there's always another manager."
What makes sense here? Yes, there is a chain of command. But sometimes, the little guy really does have it right.
3. "I know your policies. I shop here all the time."
What makes sense here? While frequent customers very well could learn policies from experiencing different circumstances over time. Let's not forget that as a manager, I have kind of been WORKING here. And, over 10 years in retail pretty much trumps even the worse shopaholics exposure to my job.
4. "I will never shop here again."
What makes sense here? Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow, ma'am.
5. "Where's the _______ department?"
What makes sense here? Is it that hard to look up and read the giant signs hanging from the ceiling?
6. "Do you work here?"
What makes sense here? Well, I'm wearing a name tag. I appear to have keys and electronic equipment attached to me...OK, you caught me, I'm testing Elaine's plan to have everyone in the city wear name tags. It will just make things more friendly. And these gadgets, it's how I track the success of the program, I have to report in every 4 hours.
It's nice to know that, no matter what, you're going to laugh at work every day. Maybe part of that is due to the amazing people I have the pleasure of spending my days with. But if somewhere along the way I happen to throw in a terrible pun or extraordinarily lame joke. Just smile, and be glad I'm not yelling.
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