Control

Over the past few years, life has seemingly spun out of control. Not the out of control you may be thinking of. I'm not strung out in the bathroom at the club high on drugs and $10 drinks. I'm not a loose canon making poor life choices and regretting my decisions. Nothing as sexy as fucking a bassist for a third rate rock band after their show in a dive bar late on a Wednesday and then heading to work early the next morning. No, nothing like that. My life has spun out of control in the way that I no longer seem to have a grasp of my time, my energy, or my thoughts.

Let me take a deep breath and help you understand what I mean. If I let my mind drift back to the Winter of 2009 - my breaking point. I had just moved beyond my first failed relationship. I was still in the closet and had been dating a girl for two years. It ended abruptly and it left me devastated, not because we would have had a real future together or because I truly felt that I belonged with her, but instead because it left me very vulnerable. And more so, it meant that I would potentially be exposed for what I inevitably am - gay. The tumultuous and uncomfortable fall of 2008, led to that eventual breaking point in the Winter of 2009. I remember it distinctly. I was bored at work, desperate for the affection of someone who wanted me, and overall feeling very stuck to be 23 and still living with my parents in the house where I grew up in no where Pennsylvania. There was one particular night, I was home alone. I paced the house shouting aloud how unhappy I was with my life. I felt unsuccessful in every possible way. I wanted more out of life. I wanted someone to love and someone to love me. I wanted to be challenged at work. I wanted to move on. I wanted change.

It was during that colorful discussion with myself that I came to a very clear realization. None of what was making me unhappy was out of my control. Happiness is something you define for yourself. Happiness is something you make for yourself. So I chose to suck it up and make my own destiny. Not all my of my decisions in the immediate future were the right ones, but every decision since has led me to something to bigger and better. My first choices were to stop sitting still. I had done it for most of my life. I had prepared myself for a life in York County. I had fenced myself in -- I tossed out that notion. I planned a trip to New England, alone. I refused to let others determine my future. Next, I decided to go back to school.

That fall, when I again set foot on campus at York College, it felt nothing like it had in 2007 when I graduated. This time I actually felt like I was here for a purpose. This time I felt like I belonged here. I wasn't a kid afraid to make connections and expose who I was to my classmates. I was there to learn, to grow, to succeed. In one year on campus as a non-traditional student I built relationships with students and professors then I had in my 4 years of undergrad. But there was also a vast amount of self-discovery in that year that I had missed during my prior time there. I found a passion which I still believe to be one of my callings in life. I fell in love with the written word. I read. I wrote. Still, I am most content when lost in the story of an enthralling book. And when I'm writing, my stress disappears. Stories poor out of me and simply put, I feel fulfilled.

Over time, a lot has happened in my life. I've taken a walk down many new roads and the journey has never been dull. But during that time, I've lost control. I haven't been true to myself and I haven't taken time for my health my mental health. I stopped running. I stopped sitting still alone with my thoughts. Worse, I stopped writing.

2009 was a landmark year for me because I took the time to find out who I was, what I wanted and I made the choice to make a change. 2016 will again be a landmark year, because I will not let my life take control of me. I'm recommitting myself to fulfills me. I will run (and I will complete the commitment I made in 2011 to run the Cowtown Marathon). I will write. I will listen. And along the way, there is sure to be even more to discover.