It's 3:00 a.m. and a New Year is only hours away. I sit in my bed, once again avoiding sleep. It's been the trend of late. Never sleeping and always tired. Not the best way to live, but still, the trend.
After all these months apart, I've returned to you, because it's time to share and reflect on a storied 2012 and speculate for a better 2013.
For me, I'm in much the same place at the close of 2012 as I was at the year's open. And not for lack of growth or change, more so, for me I've come full circle. I began the year with a break up and so that is how the year also ended. The months in between were filled with much love and joy. But even now, as I've reached the point in the circle where I'm dangerously close to repeating the cycle, I sense that still I am different, better than 12 months ago. Perhaps, I'm not following the path of a circle, but that of a cone, or a cylinder, moving in the same general pattern but away from or toward a new destination.
To each of you who truly know and understand me (and there are fewer of you then most probably understand), you already know that I find happiness in the company of others. My friends are my family. I place an extreme, and albeit seemingly unhealthy emphasis on my relationships with my friends. For me it can often lead to stress, but for each of you it means you are completely and wholly loved by me, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time with you.
Friendship is an amazing gift, because of its nature. It's a choice. We can choose our friends. We can choose who surrounds us. We can choose with whom we spend time. Friends are the family we get to pick...and so for that they are more valuable to me. As this year comes to an end, I wanted to personally thank each and every one of you for returning the favor, and allowing me to be a part of your lives. I view it as a huge honor to be a part of your 'family'. You help define who I am and you bring a smile to my face every day.
Let's leave the warm and fuzzy behind for a moment and talk about something more difficult. Most of you know about the situation with my family. In late 2010, I came out. As a result, the majority of my family has been 'disinterested' in my life. I have virtually no contact with them. But please, don't take this note of acknowledgement as a somber tone. I came to terms with this notion long before I came out as I knew this would be the response. What has made things slightly awkward is the very recent announcement that there is a very real possibility of losing an immensely important member of my family in 2013. What's worse, is how I feel (or don't feel) about the situation. I'm chalking it up to the idea that I haven't fully realized the magnitude of the announcement.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. During 2012 I was able to make several wonderful trips that were unplanned but nonetheless extremely enjoyable. Phoenix, The Grand Canyon, Salt Lake City, Fort Worth, and less distant, Rehoboth Beach, Richmond, and Virginia Beach. And in each locale, important memories were made.
So we've talked about friends, family and some of the places I've been. What else is there? I'm not going to bore you with stories of my job or my change of positions in the past year. But I will remind you of how much I enjoy being a part of the AEO team.
Personally, as my Facebook address professes, I am not who I was yesterday. All that I have experienced over the past 365 days has continued to mold me, shape me, and yes change me. Change is good. My pride for who I am continues to grow each day. My strength of character continues to be tested. My love of life has been briefly challenged. But my passion for people, for friends, for you has only been intensified. I continue to strive to love myself as much as I love others. Self-image and self-respect has long been a struggle, rooted in my days of middle school. There are those moments, those catalysts, that can send me spiraling into an endless whirlwind. But it's because of a rare certain few individuals that I am pulled out of that cycle. For that I'm extremely grateful. (You know who you are!) I'd like to think that each of you are seeing a better version of myself today then you did on January 1, 2012.
2013 (I'm hoping the 13 isn't a bad omen)...
So where do I go from here? What does this new year hold in store? First, I can only hope much more time with each of you. I'll say it one more time: you are the most important part of my life. You keep me going. Also, I'd like to spend more time devoted to writing, which despite my neglect, I desperately miss. And this journey of growth, where I seemed to have stumbled over the past few weeks, I hope to renew and continue. I want to be the best me that I can be (I don't think that could sound more trite and cheesy). I want to make an impact in people's lives, to love and be loved. And most importantly, to look back only with cause to learn and never to regret. I won't speculate on where the next 365 days may lead me. We all know that our path is unknown and ever-changing. None of us would have expected this year to lead us here, and yet here we are. So grab a glass, raise it high and let's ring in this year with a celebration of who we are and who we will become.
"You can't have a better tomorrow if only you think of yesterday."
Tops of 2012
Experience: Enjoying my job...AEO
Runner Up-Seeing my cousins after tooooo long
Trip: The Grand Canyon/Phoenix (I'm still in awe)
Runner Up-Rehoboth (it's the little things sometimes, and finally having confidence to wear my Speedo)
Dinner: September cookout with Nick, Julian, Mike, Josh, Michael, and Jon
Runner Up-Stoney River with Sam
New Food: Calamari (technically this was 2011 I think, but I'm hooked now)
Night Out: I don't remember when it was...but thanks for the ride Dennis
Runner Up-Jacey's housewarming and meeting Cherisarolaids!
Party: End of Summer Bash (hope you made it!)
Runner Up-Hurricane Sandy Party
Drink: Vodka Gummi and Diet Dr. Pepper
Runner Up- Vodka and OJ
New Drink: Sprite and Loopy Vodka
Runner Up-Honey Whiskey
Movie: The Hunger Games & Skyfall
Runner Up-Lawless
New Artist: Neon Trees & fun.
Runner Up-Carly Rae Jepson
Friend: Jenn & Theresa
New Friends: J, Dennis/DGD, Spencer, Shipman (this is a short list because there were a LOT of amazing new friends in 2012)
Sex: Do you really think I'd tell you?
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