Inadequacy

I don't know how to begin to explain it. It's just something deep seeded within my being. I don't value myself. Most people would never believe the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. They see the smile. They see the confidence. They think they know me. But they can't see past the plastic smile and crooked teeth. In actuality, each day of my life is a struggle. A struggle to beat down all the negative thoughts inside of me. A struggle to establish worth. A struggle to find meaning. A struggle to keep that smile. Some days it ends in utter frustration, some in disappointment, some in sadness. There are those brief periods of seeming bliss. And those are cherished. I hate myself for not having more days like that, but it's something beyond my control. It's who I am. I can't dictate the emotions within me. I can fight back, yes, but I can only push so far before they overtake me and I slump back to those melancholy ways. I'm not sure why I feel this way either. I have a good life. I found a man I love, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm content in my career. I want for nothing. Yet, I still have these dreadful feelings that my existence is meaningless, serving no purpose.  It's in those moments that tomorrow feels like an impossibility. 

I know what you might be thinking.  "What a pity party!". And my response, yeah, a little bit. But let me assure you, sharing this is not something easily done. Cyber-hugs, while not nearly as warm, are equally as comforting. So, yes, you caught me. I want a little attention, something to make me smile.